These tremendous two months brought me to a new hobby over weekend, it is a long drive at least 15km away from my compound to clear my head after continuous event that suck my energy off.
Long, smooth and wide road was the witness how I throw all my problems and negative energy to refill it with fresh air and positive energy that I definitely need them on the upcoming Monday. To be silent, only with my black best friend ‘kelisa’ (my car) and radio that I can switch whenever I want either Malay or Indonesian song, or event western song, I truly got this new hobby as my moment to know myself better and to give my time to hear from my self about what had happened. Usually I will make appointment with my friend, either my own best friends to hang out with, or I will invite my old friend, outside my compund to join me to enjoy the weekend. This is one of the ‘fresh air’ that I need, before I back into my ‘nature’.
Maybe I am a bit blue today, that sometimes after I met my friends over the weekend, I experience rollercoaster in my heart. To enjoy with friends, bitterly I have to say, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Why would I say like that..? It is because my friends bring their own story as I bring mine as well. From there I could observe and incidentally compare how their life keep changing and updating.
Some of them had just got new job, new relationship and new hope, which it made me do look down into myself, and asking, what about me ? What had I get from my life so far? I do feel blessed with my life, that I have a good job, something that I can be proud with. Just unfortunately as a human, I have my own envy on someone else’s life. It is a human nature, I perfectly aware of that, that is why I consider it is still a normal envy, as long as I don’t miss-used it into something that make me regret later.
Well, to make a fast checklist, I do still keep my old job (checked), I do keep my old relationship (checked), which actually I never known where would it be ended and I don’t know what to hope in the future (unchecked) since I survive on monthly basis from my income to get my life moves on.
The most updated one about my life is about promotion. Yes, after 5 years serving my college. I am now no more on the middle management, but I am on the top of my department, from a follower to a determiner. Where would my department goes, to which direction, it is all in my hand. I have a huge responsibility toward my employee’s life and whatever I say or I do will make big effect for them. That’s why I need to be extremely careful.
A gentle voice whispered in my ear. Is it in Malaysia where should I belong? Is this college a place where should I give all my commitment? What about someone that I always miss him so much in each and every single day of my life? Did he miss me that much? Did he have a plan about us? I perfectly don’t know.
I am alone. No body to turn to. I have my TV on to company me, my lap top as my silent witness of my writing and my rent apartment as my place to secure from daily weather. I am perfectly alone. I have Mom who lives in Bandung, but sometimes I don’t want to disturb her with my envy, she has her own issues and it is part of my life to listen to her, not to throw my problems to her. And that make even my life complete as a lone ranger in the mountain of life. Nothing I can do much, but to get wiser and tougher to deal with my own envy, to get along with my own tears and to find my own strength inside me.
I am alone. But I am still surviving, because I have a heart, which never fail to find me a happiness. I feel it is enough. I get what I need, don’t I?



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